dear diary...

LIVING THE NIGHTMARE 04.19.26

i love ltd! Ive been playing it nonstop since i got it i literally woke up 6am on thursday and i already have madohomu married, utenanthy dating, gilbert crushing on serge, my moms r dating... The other random pairs sonico and mikan r dating and then nagito and shiki both have crushes on eachother lol. i rlly like that everyone can be gay it makes my himefujo heart thump thump

Im not big into modern gaming anymore esp the switch i think the switch has too many issues... First faulty hardware including joycon frify which was literally by design. Then every nintendo game has a dlc and is never rlly completed upon release its like here 3 months later this barren empty game has new content added. honestly the whole situation with acnh kinda made me fall out of love with animal crossing for a while but then i remembered i could just play nl on my 3ds again and i remembered animal crossing is actually Kinda awesome.

But i think acnh in general has rlly damaged how we view games too. Like tomodachi life never was meant to be some game u play 10hrs everyday but bc we all played acnh during quarantine and were so bored we thought it was normal. A lot of it also comes from nostalgia blinding bc ppl think 3ds tomodachi life was The best game ever made but it also had its issues. Like there r days where i would go to check my 3ds miis and all the miis wanted was to resolve a fight and to see if their happy catchphrase still suit them. i dont think ltd is Perfect i do think its lacking in some parts like level-up gifts r mostly sportsy activities and a lot of repeat dialogue when making friends. but i rlly adore the new mii maker and i think its rlly cute that ur miis can explore freely and u can build stuff for them. i made them a playground and my miis like the bouncy animals ^_^

But well i am kinda sad bc i spent the last 4 days playing ltd, i was in sf last weekend, monday i slept all day, the only day i rlly went out and did anything was wednesday... and todays the last day of spring break already. I hate school i dont wanna go backkkk when i go back i have to take a bio test and then the ap bio exam is in 2 weeks UGHHHHHH i wish it was june 10th already and i had my diploma and i could say goodbye to this hell of a school. But even when i graduate hs i still have lots of school left.. ill end up staying in ct bc leaving is too expensive so ill be going to uconn in the fall. I kinda wish i had more physical ability and i could do more handiwork like electrician or idk and just go to tech school... bc ppl in those fields can make a lot of money but im weak and i get tired too easily from hard physical work. being a vet is exciting bc i get to be around and help animals, i would like to be a zookeeper the most but my mom said i cant... Actually no my dream life is no job i live in nyc and i get to go to fashion school bc my parents r millionaires and i get $10 oat milk chai lattes every morning at my fav vegan cafe in brooklyn and curated vintage shops arent expensive to me anymore. And then i graduate and become a big-name doll designer and i get to do a collab with nitro chiral and make the most beautiful shiki bjd that a pair of eyes could ever gaze upon. And also i would have a pet pig :p

well i have a countdown 52 days left until june 10... depression is still killing me. I cant do anything which is kinda why ive just been playing ltd idk where my strength to work on this page came from but its whateverrrrrrr. And then my moms make it worse bc theyre like u can spend all day playing ur stupid games but not catching up on schoolwork BRUH i love my moms more than anything But sometimes they just annoy me sm... they tell me they understand my depression but when i Act depressed theyre like ermmm whats wrong with u why r u so WEIRD.. Bruh. I feel so lazy and childish i dont even have the energy to make my own food anymore my mom just makes me rice every few days so i eat that with frozen veggies and soy sauce for breakfast and dinner and then for lunch i have like. Chips idk... and i struggle with getting out of bed and also my insomnia is getting rlly bad too. I wanna leave high school but im scared bc after that is uni and ill be away from home and otis and my lovely lovely room.. Ill miss my dolls!!! and my bed and my wataru shrine even if we're broken up.. i wish i could just be a kid forever with no expectations forced on me i just did whatever i wanted. One day i play otome games all day the next i crochet while i watch old bl then after that i go out window shopping and thrifting and get indian for dinner and everyday would be so great bc i'd have nothing to worry about ever i could be the happiest girl in the whole world. I hate this world.

COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY 04.16.26

diary remake is DONE! but i cant help but feel like its lacking. To me this black and light pink color scheme is rlly hard to work with but its one of my favs, actually my fav color combo ever would have to be hot pink and black but thats even harder to find stuff for ntm being a bit harsh on the eyes for long amounts of time on screens. i cant rlly make my own graphics or bgs or headers that kinda stuff, the most i can do is make pngs of not pngs to use as stickers (Ty ibispaint..). so i feel like lots of the stuff i do find either clashes or a lot of the itme is too light, like i feel like this page and my abt to an extent a lot of the pinks r so light they blend in on white backgrounds...

but if its a pain why do i bother? i love pink... and black as a color i have a deep attachment to. So i think they r the best colors i could theme my site around. And also bc im not like other sites durrrr IDK my old theme i kinda hated it bc like every cutesy neocities site is all pastel-y and rainbowy and Not in a bad way at all i rlly adore those sites but i felt like mine was never truly unique enough and at the end of the day was kinda just a copy and paste mish-mashy mix of all the work of the webmasters i admired most. also i feel like my site name doesnt help its Soooo pinterest cutecore edit core with the screen-unreadable font captions. but its too late now all the fanlistings and wberings and neighborhoods im linked in...

ive thought abt making a new site but i am a bit attached to this one. Like it was my first major coding project after myspace clones which rlly r just customizing templates. Well u can do cool stuff on spacehey but i dont like templates theyre too restricting. i wonder what ms93 couldve done if it lived longer... and i do think the sugarbunnies r quite cute. I think ive come to peace with the name more... plus i like using sugarbunnies stickers so? and what would i even name my other site? Hmm... yea idk. i think my fault was having the rentry mindset where canon-ish and short and sweet urls work best and they kindaaa do i just feel like it makes my site a little less memorable. But i love sugarbunny. this year will mark 5yrs since i created it, altho i didnt rlly start working on it until 4yrs ago. i love neocities!

I AM DEPRESSED AND MISERABLE AND I HATE EVERYTHING 04.14.26

i hate depression... its made the last month of my life so bad Not that depression isnt always bad but march has been one of the worst in a while. i cant even be happy abt stuff anymore or enjoy stuff or look forward to fun plans... im so tired and irritated and i get so annoyed easily i hate it

i had a few good days, i went out with my irl for lunch and shopping and then we watched movies at his house and his mom made dinner. then like a few days later i went to see the puppy he rescued Awww shes the cutest girl ever shes soo tiny her name is clover shes just the cutest puppy ever! but the rest of march sucked Yes even though march is my birthday month i woke up on my birthday ALONE my one mom was snick and my other mom had to drive 2hrs away to nj No i did not know this until i called. so i skipped breakfast and went back to bed and cried bc and honestly contemplated suicide for a minute but i went thrifting later and my mom made me apple crisp so i decided to live

it sucks bc Life has the potential to be so good rn. i have less than a quarter left of high school and im going to san francisco tmrw and ive been playing tmgs again and i finally found my wii and modded it but nothing is making me super duper happy.... Maybe things will be better once im actually in sf. Bleh bleh

Im writing an update a week later now that im back from sf and back to reality Sigh... sf was fun i got to eat lots of good food lots of samosas and pakora AND I GOT A VEGAN MANGO LASSI ive wanted to try mango lassis for yrs now i know i can just make them at home but the price of nondairy yogurt is painful... Lots of gelato or sorbet idk lots of rice too but thats not special i eat rice like everyday at home sometimes twice a day.. hmmm i went to mission district for the first time i rlly enjoyed it im sad i couldnt eat a lot bc im rlly picky and the tofu taco i did get was kinda gross. Sorry. there was actually a lot of indian food here tho i felt kinda bad eating indian in a place thats known for like latino culture Also i went to chinatown i love chinatown and the bakeries even if i cant eat the bakery stuff anymore i like to look at the sponge cakes and remember how they used to taste. i also got some toys and keychains heeheee i rlly need to save money for japan but i see cute stuff and its hard to hold back

But alas the trip was not all fun bc the true reason we went.... my mom wanted me to tour uc davis. It was the admitted students day so i was like Ok fine i get a sf trip out of it... It was not fine. Bruh. im not gonna talk abt it im too embarrassed im such a baby. I hate myself

Kyaaa i finished tmgs3 I LVOE RUKA I LOVE RUKA Screams from the rooftops I LOVE RUKAAAAA hes so cuteeeeee omg omgomg omggmgo Kei okazaki is the psv version of ruka. Hehehe maybeeeeee i have a type. i have a weak spot for otome lis who r posessive and needy and a bit sick in the head... I felt bad bc himuro showed up like thrice and he wasnt my fav in tmgs1 (shiki... Shiki i love u...) but i did have some dreams abt him so i felt bad like i was cheating. Sorry himuro sensei. ltd comes out in 2 days tho so ill wait a while to play the other routes, i rlly wanna do junpei and then kou and then the 3p mode with kou and ruka Hehe i rlly cant wait to try that out. Ok this entry is long enough

BEING A SHOUJO FAN IS THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD 04.06.26

i love shoujo i love art made by women for women i love the sparkly eyes and melodrama and roses and romance and the watercolor painting a lot of colored old shoujo arts have but GOD. Being a shoujo fan is so hard. especially retro shoujo. Like if the shoujo u like is like ohshc or nana or fruits basket its ok. And honestly even mainstream shoujo gets crumbs compared to the heaping pile of garbage thats shounen But having retro shoujo as a hyperfix might be one of the hardest hyperfixes ive ever had just bc of How hard it is to find like 90% of stuff that was published..

ive cried countless tears finding a good shoujo manga and going to read it only to find that 3 of 30 chapters were translated and the scanlation group worked on it in 2008 and No one has made any new efforts to work on it since. or finding a beautiful cover on anilist and going to check it out and reading a description fitting of one of the greatest pieces of literature i could read in my lifetime only for the manga to have one total page of google search results and Yes it will be on mangadex but NO CHAPTERS UGH so now i have to fly to japan and find out whose grandma is hiding it in their attic. Smh.

i know its a very little issue Girl cant read pretty picture books and gets sad but i feel like it just has so much more to it... like shoujo is so heavily disrespected as its always had young girls as the main demographic and being a category pioneered and mostly worked on now by women. Like so much shoujo has been lost bc ppl think its abt women for women it doesnt matter bc the world is a misogynistic dump Oh shoujo is just romance and school stories it doesnt matter but sure lets keep record of every shounen manga abt a bunch of guys fighting...

shoujo works r some of the most beautiful mangas in terms of art and craftmanship Like the earliest works had to be drawn in ink yet there was so much attention to detail still. i think its rlly upsetting bc so many things in manga today can be traced back to shoujo Literally so many shoujo mangas have made HISTORY but all ppl can associate the word anime or manga with is garbage like one piece or jjk or chainsaw man IM TIRED! If it wasnt for shoujo we would have no bl no gl and probably honestly missing like half of the works we have now Like behind every shounen is a shoujo that inspired it. The only shounen i know enough abt is hunter x hunter and i do know the author took some inspiration from patalliro. It was in shoujo magazines that began not only the first bl (sunroom nite) ever But the first gl (futari pocchi? the oldest ive read) AND the first ever animated bl (patalliro) is shoujo too. And also oniisama e the birth of the first yandere my beautiful misandrist queen mariko shinobu im SO glad our first yandere is a lesbian Isnt that just amazing my beautiful princess

also shoujo was So much more ahead in the 70s than shounen is today. Claudine explored a transgender man and how he was always unable to live truly as himself because he was always seen as a woman before himself. Kazeki explored the life of a mixed romani boy in 19th century france and how he struggled because of racism And a lot abt christianity and the shame it inflicts upon ppl just for loving others And also also ummmmm well i dont like talking abt kazeki as the ultra Woke manga that covered every woke issue EVER bc i do think takemiya could have handled serge a little better i felt like he got ignored a lot and most of hte focus was on gilbert even if serge was like a douche sometimes At the end of the day he was also a troubled kid like gilbert so idk why everyone hates him. But i still love kazeki. yes this should already be known by now hehe. Shiroi Heya no Futari has a lot abt how having to hide love to avoid the hatred of society and how queer ppl truly cannot live in a society that hates them. I think... i like josei a lot more for exploring queer themes and i think i'll write an entry for josei another day. But shounen mangakas still dont know how to treat queer characters beyond jokes and walking stereotypes so even if early queer shoujo works of the 70s had some flaws i'll always defend them before some shounen whose rep is only ambiguous 'coding' that the fans like to pretend exists

And it makes me kinda emotional bc even for stuff that has been kept by beautiful shoujo loving grandmas probably isnt holding up great now... Like the old OLD stuff from the 50s theres only so much that can be done to save 70+ year old paper. And so much that has been thrown away bc again the world has no heart for anything made by the hands of a woman. And even stuff in good condition whats the chance id get it anyways... maybe they have a shoujo museum somewhere in the world or when i go to japan i'll meet a lovely lady whos cleaning out her home and just found boxes of boxes upon boxes of 50s-80s shoujo manga in her attic. i rlly do get ill a lot thinking abt all the art ive missed Like now i have to live knowing theres a beautiful carmilla-inspired shoujo out there that i wont ever get to read beyond 4 panels a japanese twitter user posted.

But on a positive note, there is still a ton of old shoujo out there on the web! ive been fortunate enough to read the works that i have. and i love loving shoujo, i love supporting women and art by women is one of if not my favorite thing in the world to explore. I love music by women paintings by women clothes or dolls designed by women manga by women movies directed by women I LOVE WOMEN. Women are what makes this world liveable and worth staying on. So anyways my message to take away if u read this far READ OLD SHOUJO!! Especially if u love bl and gl. SO many bl and gl tropes can be traced back to old shoujo They are the ancient texts... Thank you. Because no matter how frustrated it makes me to enjoy an era of works where half have become essentially lost media i have never found art i enjoyed so much.